Saturday, March 20, 2010

Regrets? I've eaten stew.

I'm laying, as I type, in a bed on the eight floor of the River Bend hospital. An I.V. is connected to the port in my chest and fluids are being provided without even the requirement of a straw. As the television plays on in the background a commercial ran by where I heard Martha Stewart ask some fraternity members, who had a very mess house, how they could learn in such an environment. I immediately answered Ms. Stewart in my head, "Because learning is their secondary objective. They're too busy living."

It hit met like 907.18 Kilograms of bricks! That's the key to how unsuccessful I've been in life. I was so focused on just living my life that I really didn't place the focus where needed to be... on my goals. I mean, I did do that on a small, or minor, scale. But I did not focus on any goal, like education, money or stardom, in any meaningful or grand way.

“When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.”

There are some things in my life that people would consider or call "success", but none, or not many, at my hand. I have the most amazing wife any man, or woman, could pray for. My parents have been truly amazing examples of how to love, serve God and stay married. I have, at times, been part of the funniest scenes played out on a stage and had the privilege to perform with some of the world's funniest people. (There, of course, could be arguments made against these performance claims. But I would argue that at those moments, with those people, there was nothing better, funnier or more true in comedy.)

So, yes, there have been many successes in my life. (Man... that's a lot of "s" in one word. Ain't it?) But I guess I've never been really good with goals. That's a different kind of success. One that you can attribute to, along with God, your own hard work and diligence.

I regret that. I regret what I see as no real, major, achievement in my life... by my own hands.

You know what? That's O.K. It's alright for me to go out of this game with regrets. Regrets are, sometimes, the bigger proof that we've lived. Regrets mean that we made choices. Not even necessarily the wrong choices. Frequently we can end up regretting the "right" choices when we live with their results longer than our foresight had extended.

Why did I fail? Because I chose to focus on just living instead of goals. Do I regret it? Yep. Would I change it? Nope.

Once again, when examining my life as this metaphoric, yet very real, Sword of Damocles dangles over my head I wouldn't change much. Not the big things. I'd, as I hope we all would, take back some words. I would, then, place some other words more appropriately; or even in places where I had placed none before. But I want to be where I am. With Kristin. Knowing and believing that God's will is full of purpose and that His purpose is for our best.

If I die tomorrow, or nine months later, I will go out embracing my regrets and praising God with joy for the laughter I have shared, and had shared with me.

1 comment:

Angelina said...

I feel ya. Sometimes we're our worst critics. I am constantly plagued by the nagging guilt of feeling like I'm not accomplishing something "significant". I have lofty, but not unrealistic goals. Lately, however I have realized sometimes one's greatest significant accomplishment is simply being a wonderful person. That in itself is a HUGE accomplishment. So, you can check that one off the list. :)