"I've wasted an hour of your time." - Glenn Beck
It's been very hard to "blog" this week. My mind is just somewhere else. "Somewhere?" It's more like everywhere else. Kristin and I have been oscillating between emotionally shattered and completely numb. Usually the numb moments last much longer than they have recently. This past week the shattered moments have been overwhelming.
We've been up in the air since last Wednesday waiting for a follow-up appointment with my oncologist. Things aren't working correctly and we had to find a new direction to go. Tomorrow I'll start on, essentially, the same plan I'd been on this round of chemo with some drug changes. We're going to try it again and see if it works with this combo. No matter what I'm looking at about nine more months.
That was my hardest realization last night. We were talking and one of us said, "Maybe it will be good news." That's when I realized that, barring a miracle, no matter what news we received regarding my cancer from this point on... it couldn't really be considered, "good." From here on out the news is either "bad" or "not as bad as it could have been".
So tomorrow I'll start chemo again. As of yesterday we weren't sure which chemo combination I would finally be on so it could be anywhere from an hour to eight hours depending on the drug combo/distribution.
We're currently almost three thousand dollars behind on our bills. That's not the amount we're in debt. Our debt load is already huge. That's just the amount we're currently behind. (This includes some things that insurance "decided" not to cover this year, from last year. So we're suddenly being billed now.) So far rent is paid. Utilities are falling way behind. Medical even further. Thank God I don't owe money to anybody who breaks legs. I don't have enough legs.