I am just really confused by God right now. Not that I've ever really understood Him. I'm still absolutely sure that God has a purpose. Nothings really changed as far as my understanding of God since yesterday, last week, or months ago. It just seems that God's plan is in direct conflict with mine. That really shouldn't be much of a surprise. If God's plans coincided with mine we'd all be really, really, screwed. Right now it's just me who's screwed.
Kristin and I went to the oncologist today for chemo and MRI results. We never got around to the whole chemo thing. The MRI results were not good. The doctor will meet with the radiologist in the next couple of days to ensure that there were no errors on the original reading of the test. There probably weren't. We looked at the images today and it looks as if what they said was true, the cancer has grown/spread significantly since November. This would mean that the chemo regimen I'm on is not working.
From here, there are several possibilities:
- The MRI results were misread. If this is the case I will continue on the same chemo path and have approximately nine to twelve months to live.
- The MRI results are correct. I will begin taking a new drug called Vectibix which, if it works, will give me about nine to twelve months to live.
- The MRI results are correct and Vectibix doesn't work. There are no further options and I'll have three to six months to live.
- I choose to stop chemo/treatment all together. I'll have three to six months to live.
- There's an experimental drug in Las Vegas. (This is a HUGE longshot.) There's a drug experiment in Vegas that I may qualify for. Even if I qualify I'd have to find a way to Las Vegas and back twice a month for treatments. (Keep in mind I don't really qualify for those cheap Vegas flights because of my weight and because I would probably spend the equal money I saved on the required hotel stay.)
A lot of this means that, in some sense, nothings changed as far as the time-line's concerned. Best case scenario is that I've got nine to twelve months. More likely nine from this point. What has changed is that the chemo isn't working. That's scary for both Kristin and I as well as for our immediate families.
I'm a little extra-scared right now. The Vectibix is the "cousin" or "older-brother" of a drug I've been on before called Erbitux. It has similar tough side-effects only, I've been warned, worse. (This, keeping in mind that I seem to have received the extreme and hard side-effects for the most part.)
God has a plan. He always does. Nothing that I do, say or pray could be better than what His plan is. His plan is rarely the easy path. But it's always the best path.
Whatever happens, we're digging a financial hole for ourselves right now. My former company switching insurance providers was not a blessing in any sense of the word. Our costs have almost doubled. The car, while still cheaper than it would have been in a shop, cost us almost double the $300 we expected. We just keep digging. Maybe we can hit oil?
Sorry if this has been a little much on the information front. I'm a little overwhelmed. Just wanted to get the info out there and answer a few questions before they get asked.