Thursday, January 21, 2010

glass, holes in my leg, and my $1300 a month "pot" "habit"

Was able to get out of the house with Kristin for a little over an hour yesterday. Following a week in the hospital, a week with my foot "mostly" up, another week in the hospital after surgery and four days with my foot constantly up an hour out was like searching for the Holy Grail with both Monty Python and Indiana Jones. We made a trip over to Cry Baby Ink (soon to be moving from Gateway Mall to Valley River Center) so that Kristin could drop off this giant green tear-drop with "crybaby" and a tattoo machine in glass off that she made for Greg, who's been very good to us.
(I've included the picture, above, along with a few other pieces she's been working on. She really loves this glass fusing thing, which she hasn't really had a chance to work on since high school.)

Today will be much more sedate. Back on the couch with my leg up trying to rest as I return to chemo tomorrow. I've been off for at least three weeks. So tomorrow we'll find out what it's like to be recovering from surgery and on chemo again.

Last night Kristin went with Sonja to the first official fund raising information "kick-off" for Relay for Life this year. Kristin came home with a Relay button that reads "co-captain" or something as such. I'm not really sure what that means. She stressed enough that I was surprised she went to the meeting. I hope that if she chooses to take this thing on it's because she really wants to and not because she feels like she has to. I guess I could just ask her... but this is so much more informal. ;)

It's so weird to sit here with staples (16 or so, I haven't counted) in my leg and and this big drainage hole still just sitting there. It's all covered up, but it's still there. The cancer that sits inside me in invisible. There's no bandage covering it up. There's no changing the dressing on the wound. The cancer has just become a part of me. Granted, not one of my favorite parts. But to have a couple holes in your leg, one covered in staples and the other just bandaged, and know that they're not the big deal. To know that these will definitely heal and be gone in a matter of weeks but the cancer, the root cause of the other wounds, will still be around... is just weird.

I wish I had some clearer way to say that. I wish I could make it make sense. But you'll have to trust me. It's weird to have holes in your leg and none of it be a big deal. I guess the cancer doesn't feel like that big of a deal any more either. It's still there. It's still, most likely, going to kill me. The cancer just sits there like a buddy on your couch that you can't get rid of. No matter how many hints you make about having to work early the next day or trying to get the baby to sleep it just sits there and keeps silently watching that one show on Adult Swim that you hate.

Am I babbling? Did I mention I'm on a prescription form of Marijuana now? It's called Marinol. All my other pain medications kind of stopped working. So I've added "pot" to the big bag of pharmaceuticals. It's just a pill and it really helps me. Fortunately I've managed to avoid the "munchies". Which I, obviously, don't need any help with.

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