silly little questions

Tonight I turned and asked Kristin a rather silly question. When you're in situations like this one, the whole cancer thing, some of the most important questions tend to be on the silly side. I asked her, "If you could change one small thing about our situation, what would it be?" I explained that I would still have cancer and was still going to die, that our income and her job situation would remain the same... but what small thing would she want to change. The toughest thing about such a question is that most of the time it doesn't feel like there are any small parts to your situation when you're deep inside it. She, as I kind of expected, said that she's like us to have more time together. We didn't delve further into an explanation. But based on her tears and previous conversations I would guess she was referring more to the day-by-day time we get together more than a life-span lengthening.

Why would I ask such a question? I have no idea. I've been thinking, on and off lately, of The Serenity Prayer that most are fairly familiar with,

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."
-Reinhold Niebuhr

That prayer has been butting right up against James 5:16 for me lately which says that there is something effective about the prayer of a person living right with God.

You see, I continue to believe that God has a plan and that whatever God's plan is, is the best thing for all those involved. So, I hesitate to question God's plan. I hesitate to offer other options. Is there any doubt in my mind that God's intention is that I will be going home soon to Heaven? Not a one. Is there any question in my heart that whatever God's purpose is in all this, it will be a result that blesses those around me? Not a question. I have been granted this unfathomable gift of being a part of the plan of God. I will walk this path filled with thanks.

Built on that foundation, you will not hear me praying for God to change my fortune or to twist providence to suit my will over the will of the Creator of this Universe. But I need to, for my own good and even amusement, start looking towards God for mini-miracles. Looking for moments of elation that were unexpected by me or those around me but that shower us in joy and grace as they happen.

God's plan is not and will never be my plan. That's a good thing. Most of you know, and the rest of you will have to trust, that you're much better off not having me in charge. My "best laid plans" have a tendency to turn ugly in the morning.

I started chemo again on Friday and am now two weeks out of surgery. Next month will be a big month. It will be the one year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis on February 11th and, most likely, my 37th and last birthday on the 24th, my 3rd and last Valentine's Day with Kristin and my 3rd and last wedding anniversary on the 17th. I expect to crumble a little more or get a little loopier as the dates get closer. But I've said it before and continue to stand by it, I would go through all this, everything, over and over again if it meant I would repeat the amazing time and moments I've had with my amazing, beautiful, wife.

Hope this hasn't been too loopy. It's been a weird kind of weekend. May God bless you all and keep you.