Monday, May 25, 2009

To Quote Lilith: "This is NOT me."

I'm slipping. Not sure if this post will end so "joyous".

It was wonderful this weekend to watch Kristin play in the surf with Belle. To watch these two girls I love frolic and be filled with so much joy together.From the weekend we had together you'd think I'd come home elated by life and everything around me.

I'm not.

At some point this weekend I let it out. I said something I really haven't said. The only thing I'm angry at God about is that I didn't get to have a child with Kristin. Now, it's a kind of blessing. With my death being imminent I'm very thankful I'm not leaving a small child behind along with everyone else. But I really think we would have been pretty good parents. We would have given our kid love. I wouldn't have been perfect. But I would have liked the opportunity.

Part of my "anger" is that I never really wanted a child. Not until I fell in love with Kristin. Why would God suddenly give me that desire just to take it away. I don't know. But He does.

I'm also hurting. My body feels like the chemo is finally having a major effect. I was able to skip chemo this past week... but still had symptoms. Still drained and emotional. Still in pain with skin cracking and bleeding. Still not feeling like who I was before. Before all this started.

Don't feel like myself anymore. Can't do the things I used to. Can't think like I used to.

The biggest problem right now? I spend every moment, good and bad, wondering if it will be my last. Is this the last road trip? The last time I pet Belle? The last time I laugh with my parents? The last time I hold my wife?

What waits on the "other side" is so much more amazing than anything here. But, being here, nothing feels as good as Kristin in my arms. Nothing sounds as amazing as when she says she loves me. To paraphrase a friend this week, "We already know how this story ends." And I do. I know. I don't have any doubt.

But I'd like more time. More quality time. Not time laden with pain and a ticking clock.

Tonight I'm working on choosing joy. But feel like I'm sitting somewhere in a field alone. Like I've been stood-up on a blind-date by life.


jon_van_meter said...

My dear, sweet and loving friend. I have sympathy for your feelings and wish to share with you words that I hope will ease your mind. I am much older than you and I have deep pains and regrets that I pray you will never have. I didn't marry the woman I should have when I had the chance. Then I fought with, screamed at and eventually divorced the one I did. I have a daughter and three grandchildren that I will never see. I am glad you will never have this pain. I shouted at God in my dispair and prayed for him to end my pain, I have experienced the fear of homelessness and the dispair of being totally alone. These painful lessons I hope you never learn.

You however have found your true love, and what's more been shown to value every precious moment, bask in every smile, drink in every embrace. Some of us never get that awareness.

What's more my dear friend, none of us knows when the last ... is, the last time to ... is never labeled, there are no signs that say "this won't be here tomorrow". You are aware, and you are a good man, no more could be asked of anyone.

I hope in some slight way these words have helped, distracted or even angered you, and if they have, curse me, insult me, but by God feel everything as you do!

I love you, your friend always, Jon

BigDaddyChris said...

Ok,since you aren't mad, I'll have to be mad for you, cause honestly, I'm not as joyous about God taking you when he is, when so many other people deserve to die before you.

God took my mom at age 51 which was early, only 2 months ago, due to pancriatic cancer. I'm mad about that, but she felt like she got to see everything she wanted to see me do in life. so she "suposedly" died happy.

I'm mad cause theres no reason for it. You have more faith in god than I'll probably ever have and he takes you first? WTF man! I'm glad you believe what's on the other side is going to be better, but if it meant leaving MY wife and kids behind I'd be one hard to convince fat guy.

I can only say that cause I'm bigger than you, lol.

Having a child,is a 50/50 heart ache situation. On one hand you'd leave your wife with a little souvenir. On the other hand she would contantly be reminded you arent there any more. One one hand you'd have this little "you" running around to watch from heaven, but that would probably just suck not being there.

I'm having a hard time being joyful about this at all. I was blessed with three kids (so far) and you got none, and you are going to die. WHY? I am not a good person, dude. I might be a nice guy to most people but I am slimeball inside and frankly I deserve to die before you.

My mom always said that we got to see a full length feature film of our lives before we got sent to earth to take a body, and we chose our lives before we came. Am I supposed to believe that you chose to die like this? am I supposed to believe that she chose to die like she did?

So I leave this comment feeling PISSED at god. yeah. Thats pretty f'd up, at least he could drop a note and explain why he's taking a friend and true blessing from us the way he is.

Val said...

We cannot find reasons for things like this. There is no reason. There is just the fact that it is. And the truth is that there isn't any reason that would justify this, that discovering a reason would only fuel the fire of our need to argue that whatever the reason it certainly isn't good enough. So our energy goes around and around in an unending loop of frustration and anger and agony. Normal to do but just distracts and exhausts and goes nowhere.

It is so hard to accept what is so unfair. Problem is that there just isn't an alternative, we cannot argue our way out. The only thing we can do, all of us, is to savor the moments we have while we have them. Realize that each day, each experience, even the hard ones are precious. Wondering if each one of these moments, these hours, will be the last of its kind is so exhausting and hurts so much, and does not make that moment more precious just more bittersweet. Sort of changes the flavor of its joy. Each is precious for what it is, savor each hour, each day for its own value as it is. Last will come in its own time without any anticipation or wondering, it will just be. It is not good to spend much time peering down the road.

You may not be leaving her with a child but your wife will have the loving embrace and comfort of your family, she will be able to watch your nephews and nieces grow up and see bits of you in them, she will continue to hear the family stories of your childhood, your teen mistakes, your life. There will be great comfort for her that will be coming from you to her through your family, from those people who share your DNA. This is one of those blessings you give her and it will truly mean so much.

Timothy said...

You can be angry with God, I'm fairly certain he can take it. He dealt with my anger for so very many years and didn't seem too put out with me.

Perhaps Kristin's and your love is not singly meant for you but rather more on the impact/gift for Kristin's life? I'm not saying that you and your feelings don't count or are not the point but just pointing out a possible alternate facet to this particular scenario... since none of us know what's truly planned. Right?

And not to put too fine a point on it but none of us know if this will be the last road trip, the last time we get to hold the one we love or tell/hear that I love you. Life is so very iffy when it comes to guarantees that we (all of us) need to appreciate and revel in the time we have rather than worry about the length of said time. I say this because I love you Aaron, "Drop the over-thinking and just enjoy your life with those you love!" None of us feels as great as we wish, which is not to say that I downplay any of the symptoms and changes you are going through due to this illness... don't let it take yet another piece of you, the Aaron-osity of you.

I love you. I'm not trying to lecture or preach at you. I'm not qualified. I do wish though, to see you fully enjoy and savor the life you have.