chemo-kazi

To be fairly honest, and I try to remain that way, I never really planned to "grow up". At some point in high-school I remember thinking that I probably wouldn't make it past 35. I don't know why. It kind of always just stuck with me.

Later it made a lot of sense as I continued to gain weight and kind of came to expect that to be what would eventually take me away. From high-school on I was suicidal on and off. I was also over-dramatic so you really have a pretty fuzzy line between when it was legit and when I was just really incredibly sad. But for the most part those were times where I just didn't want to live any more.

In March of 2006 ComedySportz in Eugene closed. It had been the center of my life. I started school, developed a blood clot in my leg and came very close to taking my life on several occasions. (If my life had been focused more on God than a struggling comedy franchise I probably wouldn't have come to that point.) The doctor in student health at Lane Community College prescribed an anti-anxiety medication called Effexor XR that changed my life. I truly believe that if that drug, or something similar had been given to me years earlier things would have been very different.

The prescription changed my life. Shortly after I met (re-met) Kristin and fell in love. Suddenly I cared. Suddenly I saw a future. For the first time I cared about what happened. For the first time I wanted a child. A beautiful little girl I could watch grow up. (Truth be told, again that's the goal, I'd be just as happy with a boy but see it as a much larger challenge.) My life became... a life. Not just some thing I was going through.

Now, two years into our marriage, it may not work out as planned. My gastric-bypass surgery was scheduled for March ninth. Now it may never happened. I had hoped to lose weight over the next year and have a second honey-moon in Disney Land (am I romantic or what?) with Kristin. I hoped to extend my life through that surgery, become a dad, and live out my days with a wonderful woman.

I do have a point. If you were wondering. I'm feeling joy today.

My father has taught me that happiness is based on what happens to you. It's not something you control. On the other hand, joy is something you choose in your life.

"Consider it a sheer gift (or joy), friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."
James 1:2-4

I still have rough days. Heck on my first day of chemo I cried all morning. I couldn't stop. Kristin just held on to me and let me do it. I needed to.

But I choose joy. I choose hope. I choose to believe in God's purpose and His will. I know that whatever he has planned, be it my death or my complete healing, it's for a purpose.

I would not trade one moment of this time I've had with Kristin for anything. Not even to be cured.