Today I went back to work... for about an hour or so. I just couldn't do it. I think I realized it at about two or three this afternoon. I just don't have the energy. That's saying a lot when you consider that my job requires sitting in a small room and pressing some buttons.
It may get better. (I am still healing from surgery.) Or it may get worse. (My chemo side-effects are supposed to get cumulatively worse.) I don't know. What I do know is that job is my only means of health insurance (to continue my $12,500 every other week chemo) and life-insurance (to make sure Kristin has some help buying puppy food). Did I use enough parenthesises in this paragraph?
It's also more than that. I really needed to be able to do this today. I needed to feel like I was strong enough to do something. I haven't felt strong in quite a while. There's also a lot of fear. What if I can't ever go back? I can't afford treatment without it. That would cut down on my remaining time significantly. And, as much as I love my dog, sitting in the house with just Belle and I allows a little too much time to think these days. I need some "not thinking time" where I can just feel normal now and then. Where it seems like life hasn't changed.
I could hardly lift my arms all day. Now, it's 1:12am, I can't sleep. This is all kind of rambling and incoherent because I really don't know where it's all going.
I've prepared for death.
I've prepared for life.
But I'm not prepared.
I know that God has the ability to heal me. Whether it comes through the chemo, the prayer or the tears of my family, God has the ability. I just don't know if that's His plan.
Right now, in the dark where I can hear my wife and puppy sleeping down the hall, I just want tomorrow.
I just realized I'm smiling. It's the first time I've smiled without forcing it all day. Few things are as wonderful as knowing Kristin and Belle are ok. They're just down the hall. Dreaming together.
I think I'll join them. In dreams that is... I'm still stuck in this stupid green chair. ;)
(If you're looking for ways to help, by the way, we're currently accepting prayer, hugs, love and cash - donation button to the side.) *wink* (But not *wink*... you know?)