World Wide and Deep Inside

I asked, via facebook, today what others would do if they had eight months left to live. One of the responses was something to the effect of, "I'd do whatever I could to be remembered." That's actually one of the first thoughts that came to me in all this. And I don't think it's half as egotistical as it may sound to some. The memories we leave are really all we can leave. They're all that's truly left of us when we've passed on.

But the more I thought over the last few days, and the more I cried, the more I realized that I almost wish I could find a way to leave nothing behind. Not even a memory.

My parents will be saddled with my memory. It's inescapable for them. Most probably weekly for the rest of their lives they'll think of the son they had and what could have been. They'll wonder what they could have done differently. They'll wonder what could have, would have, happened if I hadn't been so overweight. They'll miss me for the rest of their lives.

Kristin will have the worst time at first. Her heart will be broken and I won't be able to be there for her, which is the hardest thing for me right now. But I have hope and faith that she'll, eventually, meet someone else. Not someone to replace me, but someone who she was also meant to be with. Eventually, as the years go by, she'll fall in love again and my memory won't go away... but it won't be painful any longer. She'll be able to heal.

At one point in my life, long before I found this amazing woman who loves me in a way I could never have understood before, I was suicidal. The thing that kept me from that choice was the pain it would have caused to those who did love me. How unfair it would be to them. Now, it seems, that choice has been made for me. Now I don't have any control. The likely-hood is that I will pass away and leave those I love, those who love me, grieving.

I know there's still a chance that I could live longer than expected. There's even a chance that I could miraculously be cured. But it's not likely.

Tonight, through these stupid tears that seem to come unceasingly when I'm alone, the one thing I wish I could leave behind would be nothing.

Oh God. I love Kristin so much. I don't want her to go through this and I don't want to spend even a moment without her. I really don't know how I live through this in the coming months.

Sorry this isn't all happy and positive. I guess I can't be that way all the time. Forgiven me. I do hold to the truth that God is in control and whatever His plan is, is the best thing for us all.

World Wide by Gene Eugene (Adam Again)

There is a reason
And I don't know what it is
A bloody season
Well, I've heard that these things happen
Worldwide
Worldwide

Don't think I'll ever understand it
Don't think it matters if I do
Three billion people in the world
And I only know a few
Worldwide
Worldwide

It's worldwide
Worldwide

Tears on the driver's side
His head is in his hands
Voice of an angel silenced
At the whim of a mere man
It's worldwide
Worldwide

But we all love that desert thunder
We put some stickers on our bumper
Three billion nothings in the world
Why should anybody bother?
Worldwide
Worldwide

What about Headman Shabalala?
Does anybody care about justice?
Three billion people in the world
And his spirit weeps for all of us
Worldwide
Worldwide
Worldwide