Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The One You Should Probably Ignore and Not Read

Tonight, which is to say "last night" since it's now just past one in the morning, I have slept, cried, vomited, screamed and hit myself liberally about the head.

I am angry tonight. I'm angry because I slept through most of the day I had available with my amazing wife. I'm angry because I'm sitting here alone on the couch crying. Why? Because every time I try to lay down next to my beautiful, sweet wife I began bawling like a kindergartner who just had the paste stolen right out of his mouth.

Really I'm just very, very angry. I know that all this is "no body's fault". But if it was... If I could prove it was someones fault I can scream at them. I could beat them within inches of his or her life. I could scream and make them feel pain that I feel every day. Day after day.

I'm so tired of being angry at no one. I'm so tired of being angry in any way. But if I'm going to be angry, I wish I could direct it somewhere. Right now it all just trenches deep inside and rips at the vital places of my heart.

Like the title says, you should probably ignore this. But if you didn't, I apologize you had to see this non-happy, non-choosing joy side of me. At least there are no photos of me beating up a baby kangaroo... yet.

I'm nauseous and the air has a funny metallic smell. Yuck.


Penhallegon Family said...

We all have a right to act like a kindergardner every once in awhile. I sometimes act like that without reason.

Banana Queen said...

Honestly, I get angry when the check-out line is slow. I sometimes yell at inanimate objects just because they're there. You are entitled to your rage, and your pain, and all the undirected energy. Beauty does not simply arrive- it is crafted through heartache. The best people are the people who have allowed themselves the full spectrum of their humanity. Plus, you are inspiring people to BE, and isn't that a beautiful thing, too?

Not quite the Bradys said...

Love. Lots of love to you and yours.