Friday, March 26, 2010

Blog or Scream? Blog... for today.

Our paycheck today wasn't enough to cover rent. When my disability comes in on the third we'll cover the difference and pay a little late. Then we'll be late on our other bills again. It will mean we get to play that neat game I call "spin the creditor". We put all the bills in a circle and just spin the bottle. After six, seven or twenty-five rounds we'll have a list of the one's who are not getting paid.

It becomes more frustrating each month. I worked very hard to make sure I could keep my little $20,000 life insurance policy for Kristin. So I wouldn't just leave her with nothing. Now it's starting to look more and more like that insurance will do nothing more than pay my back medical bills. I'll leave nothing for my wife. (Yes, I'll leave her memories. Blah, blah, blah. That hardly makes me feel like I'm providing for my family in any way.)

Supporters and friends continue to suggest different charity associations we should apply to, along with government agencies for food-stamps and medical assistance and such. The problem with each and every one of these services is that all they take into consideration is your income. From there they make assumptions about what your expenses are. They don't include things like my unusual health care costs. Did you know that every month my simple co-pays for physicians, office-visits and prescriptions can range from $300 to as high as $600? That's a pretty hefty extra expense. More so when you consider that my disability check is less than half what my monthly pay used to be. So we qualify for absolutely nothing.

"That's an assumption. When you make an assumption you make an @$$ out of you... and umption!" - Samuel L. Jackson The Long Kiss Goodnight

All of this is just so incredibly frustrating. Today I have chemo. I have an eighty dollar co-pay. (Double because we didn't have the cash to pay last time.) Then an estimated $120 co-pay for a prescription consisting of just two pills that will help me not spend the following eight days throwing up anything I try to eat. When people ask me, and they do, if I plan to continue or stay on chemo these are the things I think of. I begin to wonder if it's worth the cost for me to stay alive. Some days it's not. When I consider all that my wife has to go without so that I can take pills and IV drugs that make me incredibly sick I really have to wonder if it's worth it. (Yes, I'm well aware that, "Kristin would pay any price to have you there and alive." I know. But, and I'm sorry for those who consider this some form of sexism, as a man I feel the need to provide for my family and I'm just not doing that any more. I'm a burden... to myself and to my family.)

I'm not really asking for help. Of course I wouldn't refuse it. But, really, I'm just venting. I can't vent to Kristin because it makes her feel guilty. (I know, she's sooo irrational. How could she blame herself?) I can't vent directly to anyone. Because "anyone" is suffering from his or her own problems, weights and stresses. No one needs my crap piles on top. (Except for you, loyal reader. You chose to come here. So your stuck with me.)

On a lighter note: If you have a dog, and you should definitely have a dog, it needs to be washed! Tomorrow there's a great charity dog-wash. The 2nd Annual Multiple Sclerosis Benefit Dog Wash will be held at The Keg on West 11th in Eugene. Come down and help your mutt, or pure/inbred, get it's clean on!

This is our little Belle having her first bath.
She fit in the kitchen sink back then. Now she barely fits in the bathtub.

1 comment:

Kimberly said...

I didn't know you had plugged my dog wash Aaron. Thanks a little late on my part. :-)