Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Must Be This High To Ride

I almost feel normal. As normal as I ever felt anyway. This morning I walked into WVCI and handed them the bottle of dilaudid I had been prescribed. I actually started taking it in the hospital on Saturday. That's when all this crap started hitting the fan...

As it turns out, while dilaudid by IV and orally are pretty much the same drug, their interactions and side-effects can be very different. For those who haven't been able to keep up with the play by play action: I was in the hospital for about a week. On Saturday they switched the IV drug I'd been on for pain to oral. I began an emotional roller-coaster that took me quite literally to the edge of suicide and the pit of despair.

Thank you for all who prayed for and supported me. I really thought I had finally lost it. You know, in a Gary Busey kind a way, not the fun Tom Cruise on the couch way. I'm still a little "quirky" tonight and can probably expect a few withdrawal symptoms over the next couple of days. But it's good to know that I'm no more insane than when I got on this weird little train.

People have been asking how they can, and offering to, help. I need to admit that I've been unable to swallow my pride. Well, it's time I did. Here's a list of what we need help with. Please let me know if you can help. Just keep in mind how incredibly awkward and humbling this is for me so I may sound completely weird when we talk. ...weirder than normal.

1. House-keeping. Michelle and my parents have both been very generous and giving of their time. But I don't feel right asking them all the time. I'm unable to do much for any period of time (we're talking four or five minutes), and Kristin is trying to spend what time she has/can with me.

2. Yard work. Our gutters our overflowing, front yard is covered in pine needles, and my puppy is currently trying to walk through a small jungle in order to find a place to pee.

3. Meals. Kristin is emotionally and physically exhausted. You'd be amazed at how exhausting it can be to watch your husband die. We don't have much freezer space but the occasional pre-made meal would really help and relieve some self-imposed stress on Kristin. FYI: She's an incredibly picky eater. I blame her Mother. (Yes Ruth, I just blamed you in a semi-public forum for your daughter's aversion to vegetables and fish.)

4. Time. As I've stated, I have a hard time swallowing my pride. I'd love to hang out, but sometimes feel like I'm begging or being pushy. I can't really drive safely anymore and there's not much I can do these days besides play games and watch movies. But I'd love to hang out. Plus a "baby-sitter" would leave Kristin less guilt-ridden about leaving me alone and taking care of herself one Saturday afternoon.

5. Gift cards. When we do have time and I have energy I'd love to take Kristin to a movie or dinner. But we don't have a lot of extra cash. I know that nobody does these days. My SS checks start this month but so do more bills and higher insurance rates.

So there. I've asked. I really do appreciate the prayers more than anything. And you'll really have to excuse me if I sound like a mumbling idiot when approached about any of this. But it's hard to lose your freedoms. Of course, it's also very freeing... I keep hearing that. (Kristin said it would also be ok to contact her. So kristinjamison[at]gmail.com or aaron[at]judasforgiven.com ... this is so weird.)

As our car pulls into the station let me just say that I was able to really laugh tonight for the first time in four days. I laughed and smiled at my beautiful wife and was able to choose joy in our circumstance. As the Ewok on my arm says, you gotta, "Rejoice in the journey!"

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