Saturday, January 02, 2010

sicker than the size you wear

I'm feeling it tonight. The weight of everything pressing down on me. Waiting for me to gasp out some confession I don't have for some life I may or may not have lived.

I'm feeling it.

Tonight this hospital room is cold, empty and lonely. It's got that weir air in it. Air that I'm breathing. The same air/smell that made me sick so bad in February. A clean smell that makes you want to throw up and leave your soul under the bed for some demented janitor to mop up later when they go to change out your room.

There's so much I should have done by now. So many thing I could've accomplished. Now... Now it's too late to try and whatever I've got left is what I've earned.

It's so lonely now. Even when I'm surrounded. So lonely. I'll never be what I was made to be.



stacey said...

You know what's ironic? As I'm reading this my iPod randomly played, "keep holding on." The lyrics, "when it gets cold and it feels like the end, there's no place to know I won't give in. Keep holding on. Just stay strong," are resonating in my head. Of course it's sung by the cast of 'Glee' so it's even more awesome. Keep holding brother. God is still using you. I know that because even though I was taking care of you as a patient, you helped me more than I helped you. God bless.

Sandy said...


You have been faithful. You have not cursed God for your cancer. You have glorified God in your faithfulness. That is our calling as glorify Him. You have encouraged my faith as I have read about your journey. We don't walk perfectly but you have walked with Jesus and let us see that. Praise God!! Still praying, Sandy

Dimitri Black said...

Whenever I think of you, I am reminded of your countless hours mentoring me in the bible. In your love and generosity. In your gifts that you indeed used well. You've been a light to me that I can always point to and smile. Whenever I think of you, I am reminded of this song.

Your in my prayers man.