Tuesday, December 29, 2009

cloudy wisdom on an empty stomach

Thank you all so much for your support and love throughout this year. Up to and including the last few days and those who chipped in so lunches and dinners would be easier on Kristin as she's trying to spread her time between work, visiting me in the hospital and getting some sleep & puppy time at home.

Yesterday afternoon I was in the most physical pain I have ever experienced. The most likely cause was that I was bleeding into my leg and because of the blood-thinners it wouldn't clot or stop. I was crying, writhing and, occasionally, screaming. The took me off of my blood-thinners, temporarily, and it seems to have reduced the pressure. The may do another CT Scan tonight and try to see where everything is at. Between the stopping of the pressure in my leg and and doubling of my pain killers I'm doing much better today. I'm a little doped up. Stoned actually.

So I don't have any wisdom loaded words about choosing joy in the life that lays before us. Actually, yesterday, I spent a good portion of my time hoping that I would die and end my pain. Today I'm thankful again for my life. I'm thankful that joy is something that I'm not only able to choose but is something that God, occasionally, pours over me. It amazes me that I can lash out in anger at God because I don't understand His plan and yet the next day He still loves me. His loves has not diminished.

By the time I reach heaven and am able to ask God all the questions I want answered, it won't matter any more.

Okay, I remain unproductive today amid my cloudy mind. Thank you all again. Know that I love each and every one of you, not because of what you've done, but because it's what God has called me to do and I continue to strive toward His love. Granted, some of you make the task easier than others. ;)

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