This week I took what has proven to be a more difficult step in the process. I quite my job and filed for disability. Even if I do have as much as seven years left, there's a lot of things I want to do. And the reality is that I'm not as good at my job as I used to be and I don't like it. It's also hard and sometimes painful to work forty hours a week on chemo and all that goes with it.
What I've found though, in this process, is that while I've embraced the concept of "God's plan" I haven't, until now, really abandoned myself to it. Now I've got no income until I'm approved for disability. I've been assured I'll be approved. But I've got to wait. Be patient. Patience is not my strong-suit.
So I'm scared. And that's ok. I'd be inhuman if I wasn't a little scared. But I have faith that God has a plan. This morning, it's 4:15am as I type this, I know that God will provide. But we're really testing the tensile strength of my faith.
"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met." Matthew 6:27-33 The Message