Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Credit Is Due... When Light Is On, No Change Will Be Given

It's a little after one in the morning. That sounds like the beginning of a song. I feel like I've got lots of new songs churning right now, but just can't get them out. My guitar sits idle, staring at me. It's the same feeling as when our puppy wants to play and I try to ignore her. I just know it's not going to go away until I play.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I had less fatigue than I had expected. But the emotional toll that chemo takes can't be ignored. It seems that, for me, the third day after chemo will remain the hardest.

There were lots of conversations yesterday. Some were very hard. All were very good. I was able to see my Mother cry about the cancer for the first time. I'm not sure if they were more sad tears or angry tears, but sometimes my Mom can be very solitary when it comes to deep emotions and it was good to experience that with her. Hard. But good.

Speaking of my parents... Someone emailed yesterday and made the statement, "I just don't know how you have the outlook you do in your situation." The reality is that it's a combination of factors. The first is that I've got an amazing wife who loves me no matter what and helps me better understand God's love for us through her unconditional love. I'll never, on this earth, fully understand the love of God. But I've learned so much more about it through her actions, her words and her embrace.

But the root of my faith is in my upbringing. I was taught from an early age, by my parents, about God's grace and mercy. I have watched my Mother and Father be faithful to God through each and every circumstance. Through illness, death, poverty... even as my Grandfather became bitter near his final years and said things about my Father that were completely untrue because the situation was not what he wanted it to be, and as my extended family chose to believe my Grandfather and ostracise my own Dad, my parents remained faithful to God. (My Grandpa was a strong and amazing man of God. He just became bitter and angry at the end of his life. I choose to remember the great times together and the selfless service he provided his Lord.) God, and His will remained the central focus of their life and, thus, mine.

So today, as I stand prepared before my Creator for whatever He has in mind. I have the knowledge, and experience, to know that His direction and will is the best choice for all involved. Besides, I have the easy part. When I die, I know where I'm going. I don't know all the details. No one does. But I know the bullet points. It's my wife, my parents, my in-laws and my friends who have to pick up the pieces.

I hope, when that time comes, they are able to remember that God has a plan. I know that even if they don't at that moment, they'll be able to look back after traveling down the road and see God's hand through all of this. And perhaps a dorky picture of me in a hat.

"Faith is believing it's so,
when it's not so,
so that it may be so."

-Ray Jamison

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