Thursday, September 22, 2011

Joy Perspective or As Purple As You'd Like It

I am currently sitting in our living room looking across the way at photos from our wedding, signs made for me by my mother. One says Choose joy, the other it's a wonderful life (one of my favorite movies). It's a very different view from the one I had last night. As I laid on the floor in our bathroom waiting for paramedics to show up and help me get off the ground. I've fallen a few times lately. It's not the first time I've fallen, just the first time I can't get up. I guess it's happened several times over the last few weeks. It used to be that no matter what my weight was, I could still lift myself up off the ground. But I've lost so much strength in the last few months and I've moved so little, sometimes now I fear falling out of bed or just falling.

I don't know whether I'm writing this so Kristin will have less questions to answer or out of some need to keep you up to tabs on my life as we come to this sure but abrupt halt. This is certainly not how I pictured the end of my life. And I know there are a few of you who would still like to argue with me that God can still provide healing. But really there's no argument there. We believe, in fact I know, that God can heal. I've seen him do it in my life. I've seen him to it on other lives. It just doesn't seem to be the rout he's taking this time. A week or so ago, I had fluid removed from my abdomen in the hope that is would give me more time. That led to another of my falling spells. And by falling spells I don't mean the cool Harry Potter kind that repair glasses and such, though I don't think I've ever seen Harry Potter repair glasses by falling. What I mean is facing the ground and watching its eminent arrival at my face. But even now, as I face each day with a choice for joy or to revel in my despare sharing it with each individual as  they find themselves in closer proximity than they would care to be...kind of like a non wise cracking incredible hulk. I mean let's face it the Incredible hulk without Spidermans puns is just The Punisher minus a Rx for Xanex.

My wife jsut pointed out that essentially I'm not as funny as I used to be, but I'm on a lot of drugs so we'll let that one slide. And besides she's probably right. In the long run, what I'd like you all to know is that with a week or so left to go in this life, I'm choosing joy more and more each day and understanding it less and less each day. I wish that sentence made more sense. I hope you've seen that and will continue to see that. I don't know how many people are still reading this. I haven't had time to check the stats recently. This week please pray hard for my Kristin, for my in-laws and for my parents. Pray that God will ease them into this. Pray that Kristin and I can do a little less crying and a little more embracing.

I guess that's it. I wish I had something more profound to say, but I don't tink there's anything more profound to say but I love you and that I hope this has touched you somehow,( in a good way, not the show the judge where the bad man touched you way).

On one other note, while we appreciate your support, please check in via email or phone making sure it's ok before you come over. This is a very straining time for both of us, and making sure we're ready and emotionally available will make this easier on everyone involved.

4 comments:

wwax said...

Praying for you and your family.

Spinman said...

Aaron and Kristin,

No easy answers or blessed words. Just a hug from Cali. rest in the Lord. He is what you have.

HKD said...

cherish the final moments, and kristin, please know that he only wants you to be happy, even after he's gone.

a friend of mine died quite tragically from cancer last summer. her husband wrote this letter after her passing, a letter so beautiful it ended up getting published in a major canadian magazine. http://www2.macleans.ca/2010/07/08/thankful-to-the-very-end/

be strong, and know your love will always be there.

Sam said...

Hi there. you don't know me but I have been reading your blog intermittently since I first saw it mentioned on gawker. You are a wonderful inspiration to me and to all readers who have stumbled upon your site. Your optimism, Christian faith and love for your wife are something to be envied. Most people who have not even encountered any hardships in their lives could not claim those traits, yet you stand steadfast in your beliefs in these difficult circumstances. I really cannot find words to say except that I am praying for you and your family from New York and I hope that you no longer feel any pain. Keep your eyes on the Lord and he will keep giving you joy.