Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Shut up Robin, and hand me the remote.

It's been an interesting couple of weeks. Last week I was experiencing what I was told was "referred pain". This week, today specifically, I'm experiencing symptoms I haven't had since before my cancer diagnosis. You remember right? That year I spent when they kept telling me I "probably" had diverticulitis? It was always a "probably" because it was so hard to explain my symptoms to the doctors. Of course we all know that the probably became more of a, "Holy #$&! Batman! We've got cancer!"

Anywhoo... I've been miserable. Today especially. I guess I deal with pain better than I do with nausea. I'm more used to the pain. It's been weird too. I have so many emotions associated with all these experiences. Today's nausea has, you'll excuse the pun, brought up a lot of unexpected things. Mostly fears.

One of my biggest fears, other than leaving Kristin without the means she needs to live on, has been dying in a "care facility". It scares me like nothing else. When we started the process with hospice one of my biggest reliefs was that I could die at home. There would be no need for me to die alone in a shared room where no one would even realize I had passed until two or three hours after I'd given Jesus a big hug and we'd played our first hand of UNO together. I joke because of the pain. 

Today I realized that, at my weight (a phrase I use quite a bit), there will be a point we reach where Kristin just can't do it all. At some point I won't be able to get myself to the bathroom and back anymore. Hospice won't pay for the hospital. I won't have insurance. That only leaves one place for me to go.

I've gone from, death with family and no pain to death alone and, it's looking more and more like, quite a bit of pain. The promise of "little to no pain" ended when the pangs started in my liver a few weeks ago. It's a probable sign that the cancer has begun to eat through the lining of my liver. That's the exact thing we were hoping to avoid. Well, that and the whole cancer thing to begin with. I've also started feeling the familiar pains that came with the initial cancer in my colon again. It's all piling up.

Well... Isn't this the happiest little blog I've ever written. You know what? It's all about honesty. Honesty is the only way I'll stay sane though all this. If I deny the crap as it happens, it gets harder and harder to choose the joy when I need it.

God remains in control. Thank you so much for keeping Kristin and I in your prayers. We need every one of them. Thank you, also, for reading the occasional depressing blog when it's just all I've got to share.

Also, there's this:


Lisa said...

Thanks for being honest, Aaron. It's one of the things I really appreciate about you. I'm praying often for you and Kristin.

Jeanne Gibson said...

Aaron, it is easy to think when we haven't heard from someone for a day or two, that they have forgotten you, but don't you believe it. You are in the constant prayers of those people who care for you and even in the prayers of many people who have never even met you. God bless you both.

Stephen said...

It's always a joy (for me at any rate) when I see you've posted something new. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing. I hope to God that your fears don't come to pass. I pray often for you and your wife. God be with you, Aaron.