Sunday, January 30, 2011

Drugs, Video Games & The Violent Love of God

It's the first time I've been alone in a long time. It's kind of nice.
A little lonely. But it's not often any more...

This is the first picture of me I've liked in a long time. (Probably because you can't see my body in it.)
So I wanted to post it. I'm narcissistic like that.
I was going to take this time to kill some things via the used xbox Kristin got me for Christmas. But the CD/DVD drive is finally just dead. There were days, before the cancer, where I could fix things like that. Sometimes I'd just do it intuitively and sometimes just following some simple instructions online. But all the chemo and other drugs have left some permanent traces across my brain. I just don't have it anymore. It's sad really. Part of why I stopped doing improv. I'm just not entirely, sometimes remotely, who I used to be.

So the xbox, much like parts of my brain, lays dormant. I really don't know if it's something that can be fixed. We got a little ripped off by the frat boy on Craig's List who sold it to us. One rip off in our many transactions on that site seems a pretty good track record though. Right?

Today's my first day without Celebrex. I'm still going through a few withdrawals from going off my Marinol. Without insurance the Celebrex (for which there is no legal generic in the United States) is about $160 a month and the generic for Marinol is about a thousand*. That's dollars, not skittles. So, I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow, if you get my sugary reference. Tuesday I plan to ask my oncologist to re-write my prescriptions and fax them to a Canadian pharmacy. Some doctors are unwilling to do that for various legal reasons and I plan to respect his decision if that's the case. But even if he does fax them off to the great C'nucks, it's still going to be a pricey little bill.

Through all this, in all this, God remains the same. His love for me is unrelenting. At first "unrelenting" seemed like the wrong word. But it gives more power to the love and mercy Jesus has given me. It describes, more accurately, the constant grace which God provides me.

I missed church for the third week in a row. Two weeks out of town, this week Kristin is sick and I've got withdrawals. (I promise I didn't just stay home to play games.) I need fellowship. I need worship. As I mentioned, my head isn't all-together there anymore. It helps to have someone guide me. Like being in a wheelchair pushed through the glory of God. You know, Heaven doesn't have handicapped parking, because in Heaven no one is crippled. No one has cancer. No one's brain is half-functioning. And, I guess, all the xbox consoles work. ;)

God bless you. Even the Wii players.

*For those about to email, suggest, or mail me "medical marijuana"... don't. I can't smoke it and recently tried some from a California dispensary. To me, it tastes like I'm eating fresh skunk poop. No offense to you who love it. It's just not for me. I'm all for legalizing the stuff. But even if it was delivered to my house free every day... It's just not for me.


linda said...

HI Aaron,I had not looked in your blog for months. I am just so glad you are still alive. I had prayed but not known! I have used this NW Pharmacy you are going to try and use. It worked great-they are in Washington actually. The thing to keep in mind is that it will take a terribly long time for the drugs to get here. have you tried Ketoprofen? cheap cheap cheap and effective. contact me if I can help figure it out.
hope you can get to a fellowship time soon, or that we can come to you!

Ivy said...

Hey Aaron,

Still praying for some resolution to all of this. Medical maryjane... I never really thought about people suggesting that. I've never tried the stuff, now that I know it tastes like skunk poop I think I'll make that a permanent decision. I won't ask how you know what skunk poop tastes like. I wonder if it's worse than regular smelling animal poop. :)

Still praying for ya, brother! I hope you get to worship soon. There's nothing like being in the presence of God with others to comfort the soul.