Sail On

The focus, when I can focus, of my conversations with God lately have been in search of His will. I have prayed almost solely for His will in my life. Of course for others, my wife, parents and certain friends, I have prayed for comfort and guidance alongside God's will. All this prayer, this search for God's perfect will, has not resulted in understanding on my part. I have not achieved a great wisdom. In fact, like many things in life, the more I learn... the less I truly understand.

What I have found, in the middle of this storm, is peace.

I believe, and I say this with awe and respect, that I have a slight glimpse of the peace Jesus exuded aboard a fishing boat during a storm on the sea of Galilee:

 ^35-38Late that day he said to them, "Let's go across to the other side." They took him in the boat as he was. Other boats came along. A huge storm came up. Waves poured into the boat, threatening to sink it. And Jesus was in the stern, head on a pillow, sleeping! They roused him, saying, "Teacher, is it nothing to you that we're going down?"
 ^39-40Awake now, he told the wind to pipe down and said to the sea, "Quiet! Settle down!" The wind ran out of breath; the sea became smooth as glass. Jesus reprimanded the disciples: "Why are you such cowards? Don't you have any faith at all?"
 ⁴¹They were in absolute awe, staggered. "Who is this, anyway?" they asked. "Wind and sea at his beck and call!" (Mark 4:35-41, The Message)

Of course, I don't have the power over the storm the Jesus held. I, like His disciples, am at the mercy of the waves. Unlike His disciples, I have the benefit of learning from their mistakes. As the waves break against, and overcome, the sides of this ship I'm in, I feel a safety. I know who rides aboard this ship with me. Moreover, who I have given over control of my ship. My Captain knows not only the sea we sail on, but has control over the winds that fill our sails.

As Christmas approaches I am also reminded, amongst all this, that one of the prophecies Jesus fulfilled was to become the "Prince of Peace". He is that to me. More today, tonight, than He ever has been.

I have no idea what each coming morning will bring from this point on out. My insurance ends when the month does. We are looking into the Oregon Medical Insurance Pool as our next, and probably last, hope. Even if I qualify the cost is similar to what we were paying for COBRA and our income was just cut in half. So we have a month to find what God has planned... or doesn't.

The cancer has grown. I plan to begin a "new" treatment (two different chemo drugs I've been on before but delivered in a different manner and I've never taken together) next week. I'll be on it until the end of the month. One of the drugs, Avastin, is very expensive. Unless something changes, I won't be able to continue it past December. Not to mention the thousands of monthly dollars in co-pays and prescriptions.

In the center of all of this, I have peace. A peace that surpasses everything I understand. The peace isn't constant, but it is there when I remember to look for it.

So every day I will wake up and surrender my life, again, to God. I will lay at His feet the gift of life He has given me. As long as He continues to hand it back to me, I'll stick around.