Friday, October 22, 2010

Punching The Proverbial Time-Card

I find it harder and harder to know what I'm allowed to do and say. The rules keep changing.

Before this goes any further I want a few things made very clear:
  1. I am very thankful for all the support we've received, in every way we've received it.
  2. I am still working on the urns. Since I'm not dead yet, there's no real dead-line is there?
  3. My life is not a democracy where decisions are made by a quorum.
  4. Again, I am very thankful for the support. Very thankful.
While there have been times, more than I would have liked, that I have asked for help or advice either here, on Facebook or on Twitter, that does not mean that every sentence I type is a request for advice, money, prayer... In fact, believe it or not, sometimes I'm just venting. One would think that, considering my circumstances, a little venting would not only be tolerated, it would be expected.

I need the ability to be real. I've strived to be direct and honest in everything I've said... In everything I've done. Tonight, on Facebook, I mentioned Kristin and I were going to have to get new tires for the car. I expected a piece of advice or two. After several comments, all containing well meaning advice, I noted that it seemed a little silly. Even ended my response with the international language of the internet, "LOL!" I then received a very angry email which, essentially, called me a liar, whiner and fool. (All of which I absolutely have been at some point in my life. We all have been.) Basically this person is tired of me and wishes me to just shut up. This person is tired of me still being alive. If I've received one email, you can bet more are thinking it. I'm not really surprised. I've had a feeling for some time that a few, including myself at times, have become tired of my continuing to live after so many promises of my impending death.

So I truly take this moment to apologize to those who have become disappointed, disillusioned even, with my continued ability to breathe. It was never my goal. My only goal, from the beginning, has been to be used in some way by God, to have Him make His will my own and to spend time with family and friends. Things have not worked out as I, or anyone, expected. I'm confused every day as to why I'm here. I don't enjoy the pain. My wife, my parents, friends don't enjoy seeing me slowly fade away. In fact, at chemo on Wednesday I learned that, if I'm able to live on the drugs I'm currently on long enough, there could be an experimental drug coming down the pike that might just help me. It's not something I've shared because I'm not sure how I feel about it. I desperately want all the time I can have with my loved ones but do not want to hold up their lives. Don't want my wife trapped in time. Stuck with me with her life on pause.


Tonight I'm too tired to go on living. Too sad that I'm the recipient of so much anger from someone I don't even know. I've never claimed to have anything that I could teach anyone through this experience. It's been my hope, yes, that my experience would some how help others. I've been told by a few that it has. I hope that is true. I hope, again, that my life has some meaning but will accept whatever God has planned.

We have been blessed with some incredible generosity. A radio station sent us to New York and Broadway. An old friend brought us to his home and Disneyland. Friends, family and some people I'll never meet have helped us stay alive as we tried to keep up with medical bills, months waiting for my disability to kick in and, more recently, Kristin's lay-off. We have been extremely blessed.  I thank you all.

When this is done, it's almost midnight now, I'll post a link on Facebook and Twitter. Then, I'm taking a break. Though it may change, I've no plans to blog for a couple weeks and will not be posting on Facebook for a while. It's seems I've opened my life too wide and let in some things that aren't much healthier than my chemo and I want to shut that door for a little while before I lose some part of myself. I've given that freely for too long.

I hope all who've I've offended, angered or just annoyed can understand how far from my goals such a result is. Again, I end this post with a thank-you for all your time reading, praying, supporting and listening. If I end up living through all this, which is still not in the odds, I'll be sure to make a public apology.



Kristin,

Please know that you are the greatest gift, aside from salvation, that God has given me. Or rather, loaned me. You are the love of my life. A gentle, smiling, beautiful storm that I would willingly stand in if only to soak up your precious rain.

Yours, in Christ, for the rest of my life and as far as I can carry it beyond,
aaron

11 comments:

klaster said...

Aaron, I commend you for living your life the only way you know how! Do not worry what other people say or think about you! I really had it on my heart to tell you how refreshing it is to see how much you love your wife! It is a blessing to see you look,talk, think, and purely love her with every fiber in your being!

jaymi said...

please don't let the idiots win! your words have been healing and helpful to more people than you could ever know! I know it's hard to take those punches right now, but you have a lot of support and love behind you!!! keep running (or crawling) the good race! you have the spirit of power and of love and of self-control! do not be timid; do not be silenced, but let god's joy spring forth from you lips (and finger tips!) don't waste a second of your precious time concerned about those sent from satan to attack you and try to tear you down. you are rooted in faith and built strong by His power and love! and spare some pity, and eventually forgiveness, for this slanderer, for he will receive his wages in due time.
much love, -jay-

Becky said...

Aaron, please don't stop your writing. I have been following you for months and months. How I envy your support, not only from your incredible wife, but also your mother and father. I can absolutely understand the distancing of life long friends and the impact it has on your life. How many times have we heard "life is too short?" Life isn't short. It's what we're given.

Matthew said...

Aaron. God is magnified in you.

Daniel Vawser said...

Aaron: just a very few people feel that way. I'm excited you're still hanging on, and hopeful that you can beat this thing! That would be the best, but any extra time to spend with your loved ones is worthwhile. I don't know you either, but I'm GLAD you're still hanging on. And so are a lot of other people. Never give up!

Becky said...

Sorry people feel so free to judge you but like you said we do....Geesh wanted to say 'they' do but in all reality I am a pretty good judger.
Your words are so powerful and what you are leaving will not be fully known until you're gone and you ain't so keep on writing and know there are more of us who appreciate your honest vulnerability than not. Praying for you and your wife and folks...

cancun said...

I think there are a lot more people out there paying attention to your story than you realize. I've never met you...and I live across the country (in Nashville, TN.) I have another friend who lives in South Carolina who is following along, as well. I hope you don't let a few rotton eggs spoil your ability to vent. Remember, there is about 10 percent of the population who will always be difficult. (just look at ANY Gallup poll - eg. Does the earth contain water? 10 percent will say no.) Don't accept that voice as the norm.

Matthew said...

lives in South Carolina who is following along, as well. I hope you don't let a few rotton eggs spoil your ability to vent. Remember, there is about 10 percent of the population who will always be difficult. (just look at ANY Gallup poll - eg. Does the earth contain water? 10 percent will say no.) Don't accept that voice as the norm.

smadronia said...

*hugs*

Mary and Paula said...

Aaron,
You are an inspiration for others to live your life to the fullest every day, no matter what!! I admire you so much for your strength, wisdom, humor, and life. There are more people out there pulling for you than critizing you.

Wanda said...

Just remember that while you may be hated by a few you are loved my many. Your wife, loved ones, and from the looks of it even strangers. Also remember, while you may feel pain from a few biting words I can almost guarantee you have heard a hundred kinder words from so many who care. Keep strong and keep focused on your task. I truly agree with you that God is using you for a purpose so while it's ok to take a break from it, I wouldn't stray too far. -- Wanda