Before this goes any further I want a few things made very clear:
- I am very thankful for all the support we've received, in every way we've received it.
- I am still working on the urns. Since I'm not dead yet, there's no real dead-line is there?
- My life is not a democracy where decisions are made by a quorum.
- Again, I am very thankful for the support. Very thankful.
I need the ability to be real. I've strived to be direct and honest in everything I've said... In everything I've done. Tonight, on Facebook, I mentioned Kristin and I were going to have to get new tires for the car. I expected a piece of advice or two. After several comments, all containing well meaning advice, I noted that it seemed a little silly. Even ended my response with the international language of the internet, "LOL!" I then received a very angry email which, essentially, called me a liar, whiner and fool. (All of which I absolutely have been at some point in my life. We all have been.) Basically this person is tired of me and wishes me to just shut up. This person is tired of me still being alive. If I've received one email, you can bet more are thinking it. I'm not really surprised. I've had a feeling for some time that a few, including myself at times, have become tired of my continuing to live after so many promises of my impending death.
So I truly take this moment to apologize to those who have become disappointed, disillusioned even, with my continued ability to breathe. It was never my goal. My only goal, from the beginning, has been to be used in some way by God, to have Him make His will my own and to spend time with family and friends. Things have not worked out as I, or anyone, expected. I'm confused every day as to why I'm here. I don't enjoy the pain. My wife, my parents, friends don't enjoy seeing me slowly fade away. In fact, at chemo on Wednesday I learned that, if I'm able to live on the drugs I'm currently on long enough, there could be an experimental drug coming down the pike that might just help me. It's not something I've shared because I'm not sure how I feel about it. I desperately want all the time I can have with my loved ones but do not want to hold up their lives. Don't want my wife trapped in time. Stuck with me with her life on pause.
Tonight I'm too tired to go on living. Too sad that I'm the recipient of so much anger from someone I don't even know. I've never claimed to have anything that I could teach anyone through this experience. It's been my hope, yes, that my experience would some how help others. I've been told by a few that it has. I hope that is true. I hope, again, that my life has some meaning but will accept whatever God has planned.
We have been blessed with some incredible generosity. A radio station sent us to New York and Broadway. An old friend brought us to his home and Disneyland. Friends, family and some people I'll never meet have helped us stay alive as we tried to keep up with medical bills, months waiting for my disability to kick in and, more recently, Kristin's lay-off. We have been extremely blessed. I thank you all.
When this is done, it's almost midnight now, I'll post a link on Facebook and Twitter. Then, I'm taking a break. Though it may change, I've no plans to blog for a couple weeks and will not be posting on Facebook for a while. It's seems I've opened my life too wide and let in some things that aren't much healthier than my chemo and I want to shut that door for a little while before I lose some part of myself. I've given that freely for too long.
I hope all who've I've offended, angered or just annoyed can understand how far from my goals such a result is. Again, I end this post with a thank-you for all your time reading, praying, supporting and listening. If I end up living through all this, which is still not in the odds, I'll be sure to make a public apology.
Please know that you are the greatest gift, aside from salvation, that God has given me. Or rather, loaned me. You are the love of my life. A gentle, smiling, beautiful storm that I would willingly stand in if only to soak up your precious rain.
Yours, in Christ, for the rest of my life and as far as I can carry it beyond,