Usually when someone talks to me about one of the performance oriented things I do, I explain that I'm a performer. "I'm not a comedian. I'm just a performer. So I'm able to get by," or "I'm not a singer..." hope you get the picture. But the reality is that I'm an artist. At least deep down in my soul I consider myself an artist. In every performance, every song, each painting, even every joke... I am invested. My entire heart is invested in each and every "performance". I'm also the annoying type of artist who thrives on tragedy. My best songs have been written at some of my worst moments. So there have been times in my life when I've actually thought fondly of this kind of situation. Imagined how good the song would be. Stupid. Right?
It's not like I've actually ever wished for such a thing. Not even a thought of such a thing has entered my mind since Kristin and I started dating. She changed me. Her heart, her light and her smile made me suddenly wish for children, a picket fence and a pool in the back-yard. The love God showed me through her changed my very being.
But now, I'm in the middle of this tragedy. It's not so much Shakespearean as it is Days of our Lives. She keeps loving me, tirelessly, as I sit here dying of cancer. Today has been a rougher day. More pain in my gut lately, where this all started, than I've had since they removed the eighteen inches of colon and the cancer therein. Kristin is so good to me. Through each pain and all the grunts I try to muffle she loves me. She never rolls her eyes. She never says, "What now?" I know she's tired. I'm well aware that I was no prize before and have gone down in value quicker and more drastically than the 2008 housing market. But she's still here. I believe that if I asked her to marry me today (something that I would never do under these circumstances), all things considered, she's say yes all over again.
So here I am. Dying of cancer. A little less money coming in than I did a month ago; and it wasn't much to start with. Fat. Loud. It cost a whole lot more to keep me alive these days. Depressed. I could, and normally would, go on. But, frankly, I don't want the emails telling me how great I am. I am no woman's dream-boat. (Though I am fairly buoyant.) All this... and she loves me.
Now she's been laid off. We don't know if we'll have to skip rent, my insurance or phones and utilities. But something is going to go by the wayside. I'm still dying. It's a tragedy. A tragedy worthy of the greeks, but made for Kevin Smith fans.
Maybe God has a plan for me to do something and that's why I'm still around. Maybe it's a book. Maybe a song. Maybe someone else, even Kristin, is supposed to learn something from this process still and that's why I'm still here. I don't know. But this is all a lot harder right now than it was a year ago.
Maybe I should just shut up. I still believe God has a plan.
If you're interested I've got a painting for sale on eBay right now. It's one of the first works on canvas I've done in twenty-five years. You can find it by clicking HERE.
I've titled the piece, Belle's World. That's my puppy sticking her nose in the artists face and you can see a planet in the sky. It's watercolor and Sharpie on canvas.
Today I'll be at Cry Baby Ink in Valley River Center around one o'clock as Greg puts the needle to me once again working on my right arm. I'll let what we have planned be a surprise. Mostly a surprise because sometimes I go in and we change everything we've had planned. Greg, remember, does this all for me for free because we're old friends and he's a good guy who has mercy on this cancer patient. I'd appreciate it if you made it worth his while by getting your ink, or incredibly cool clothing, at his shop. Check it out.
2 comments:
Did someone hijack your link to ebay? 'Cause that does NOT go to your painting ....
Thanks for the heads up. I'm not sure how it happened. But it's fixed now.
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