There are quite a few questions that come your way when you have cancer. Some are stupid, some thoughtless, some heart-felt and some invoke a thought process in your head that can't, or won't, be turned off. I tend to appreciate them all. Even the stupid and thoughtless ones are good fodder for future comedy.
Yesterday morning at church our friend Maryn asked me a question that I didn't expect. (Even though this is in quotes, keep in mind that I'm paraphrasing.) "Do you ever get excited about going to see Jesus?"
I can't say I was speechless, as that particular phenomenon happens about as frequently as you'll hear a Muppet cuss. But my response was stuttered and without a final clarity. It caught me completely off-guard. For the most part, when I think of Heaven, I think of how much I'll miss Kristin. It's kind of silly as I actually believe we won't have memories of this world in Heaven and, if we do, I imagine we'll all feel like we arrived at the same time and there won't be any "missing" of anyone. I mean, spending years in Heaven missing your loved one doesn't really sound like... well... Heaven. Does it?
Jesus is closer to me, on a time-line at least, than He's ever been. I don't think about that a lot. I have tended to be more focused on how this disease, cancer, and my death are going to effect my loved ones. Like most of us, I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to fix and control things I have no power over. I want my parents to be taken care of. To have a family that will support and be there for both of them and love them unconditionally. There aren't enough words to explain what I think of, worry about, in regards to Kristin. But it can be surmised into, "I want her to be happy and find joy."
I guess I feel like there's plenty of time for me to rejoice in the presence of my God when I get there. On this planet, in this life, I continue to rejoice in the miracles that He constantly supplies in our lives. I continue to be amazed at His mercy and grace in the face of the undeserving life I've led. Someday, sooner than later, I will stand in His presence and be overwhelmed. I will finally be reunited with my Creator in the way He intended us to be and will no longer be separated by sin.
Maybe the reason I'm not focused on reuniting with God is that I don't want to go yet. I feel like, in some way, I'm abandoning Kristin. I know it's not true. But it is. When we took vows that said, "Til death do us part," neither of us expected it to be this soon.
I rejoice, as I always have, that one day I will stand before my Savior, bow and know the existence I was created for. That was a good question Maryn. Maybe my favorite so far.
A couple of Christmas notes:
If you've never experienced a candlelight service on Christmas Eve, or are just looking for a more spiritual experience this Christmas, our church will have a Christmas Eve Candlelight Service at 7:00pm Thursday (Christmas Eve). I'll be wearing a t-shirt and jeans. We'll be singing, listening and worshiping together at the manger. The evening takes about an hour and ends with everyone standing in a circle, with no light but candles, and singing Silent Night. It's informal, friendly and very special to me. Please come and join us.
Also, gifts are still available, thought I doubt you'll get them in time for Christmas, at Chemokazi.com (Maybe you could shoot for Kwanzaa?)
Design a personalized gift at Zazzle.