My heart feels like it's beating in my throat. I need, even want, to explode. Not literally. I have no explosives. It's just this lightening strike that is almost vibrating inside me. It all started at around ten o'clock tonight and has happened more frequently since my diagnosis. I'm experiencing an extended, and emotionally painful, anxiety attack. As I'm writing this it's finally easing up. This may be as a result of the writing or, more likely, because of the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien playing in the background. His comedy has never disappointed me.
Today, tonight, lots of things went well and lots of things were frustrating and lots of things didn't matter and lots of things did. It was life. Life continues to happen, even when you're dieing. That's a good thing. Sometimes it's more complicated to get through the maze. There are no inspirational words of wisdom tonight. Sorry. I just needed someone to talk to you and your (No, not you. Yes. You. The one with the face.) it. Thanks for listening.
Tonight the television show Glee, known around here as Kristin's Rocknroll Amusement Comedy or KRAC (pronounced "crack"), included a song I hadn't heard or thought of in a while. Though after a little Internet search it apparently figured prominently into the Micheal Jackson memorial. (Did I just actually mention Micheal Jackson, suspected NAMBLA poster-boy, in my blog? Geesh...) It seems to sum up, for me at least, what my life is about lately. If it doesn't sum it up, it definitely paraphrases the concept of choosing joy in your/my daily life.
Here's a video of Josh Groban (I chose his version because I suspect, after my death, Kristin will spend a lot of time stalking him and I want to support her hobbies.) singing the song Smile: